I hurt.

I hurt so bad.

I go outside to his grave

and let all my feelings pour out.

I talk to him

out loud

and then the tears come.

And i think:

Why am I talking to the dirt?

I just want to see his face again.

I wish I knew that the last time I saw him

would be the last time on earth.

I wish I could have hugged him harder

and longer

before I left.

I sit in different rooms of my house

and still expect to see him in his "spot."

I forget that he is not here

for a moment

and I hear him.

But when I look up

nothing is there.

And then the pain hits

once again

over and over and over again.

Why do I feel so much pain

for the death of one living animal

when people, plants, and animals are dying every second of everyday?

I look around

and realize

that everything is living.

And then I realize

that everything is dying.

Yet

I focus all my sorrow

on Buddy

one dog i have grown to love

out of the millions.

I have only known a few living people and animals who have died

yet there are billions around me.

Sometimes I am able to see a glimpse of the bigger picture

but right now

i just need to cry.

I just need to talk about him

and look at pictures of him

and share memories of him

and love him.

Coping with death is a very hard thing.

Buddy was so involved in my life

and its hard to go on

accepting that he is not physically here anymore.

He was the best dog I've ever had

and I will never stop loving him.

I miss you, Buddy.

BUDDY

I was eating watermelon with my great Aunt Eileen. We were having a good conversation and it started out to be a good day.

Her phone rang. It was my mom. She walked back into the kitchen and said it was for me.

Why would my mom call me on Eileen's phone?

Uh oh. Somethings wrong.

“Hello?”
“Ashley?”
“...yeah?”
“Buddy died.”

My heart sank to the deepest place a heart can sink. Buddy is my best friend. He has been my friend when I had none. He is there for me always. He knows how to make me smile. When i am sad he comforts me and he listens when I have to rant. He sleeps by my bed everynight, even when I am out of town. He waits for me. I LOVE him. I love him with all my heart.

As we always say, "He is good as gold.... possibly platinum!"



Yesterday was the day my grandmother died from lung cancer 17 years ago. Yesterday was the day my best friend died. And to make matters worse, my aunt was diagnosed with lung cancer yesterday as well. (Is it a coincidence that her mother died from lung cancer on the same day 17 years ago? Maybe.)

It was a sad day. The hardest part is that I never got to say goodbye to Buddy boo. I was still out of town in Chicago. For reasons that only he knows, he could not wait just one more day. Perhaps he didn't want me to see him die. Perhaps it would have been too hard for me to bare.

I am just really depressed. I never got to pet his fluffy body one last time. I never got to get down on the ground and hug him again. I never got to stare into his eyes and say a final “I love you."

I feel like part of me is missing. Buddy wasn't my dog; I was HIS GIRL. It literally feels like a chunk has been ripped out of my heart and buried with him. I can't go an hour without tears streaming down my face. I know his spirit is with me, but I just miss his physical being. I miss him so much. It hurts. It really, really hurts. I forgot what it was like to cry myself to sleep everynight.

I can hardly control myself. How do you get over your best friend's “death?”

I came home from Chicago, snagged a picture of me and him from my room, and walked outside to his grave. He is buried right behind the pond. It's a beautiful spot. I just sat there and talked out loud to him. I just screamed. I just cried. Part of me died.

And as I type this, the tears of love roll down my face. Love like this will never die.

Rest in Peace, Bud. I love you so much. Nobody will ever understand our relationship. Stay by my side.

I love you.

chicago

I'm in Chicago!!!

hanging with my awesome cousins.

...just wanted to give an update!

fruuuity pics

I took pics as I cut up my fruit and stored them in the kitchen. Someday I will take a picture of my whole setup - refrigerator, counter, and downstairs storage. For now, enjoy these pics!!!






banana icecream (with and without blueberries! mmmmm)

food inc

I saw Food Inc. last night and it was really good. It covered a lot of information including factory farming, assembly lines, labels, big corporations, fast food, farming, wages, prices, and more.




One thing that really stood out to me was when it talked about this:

Everytime you go to the store and buy something, you are voting. You are voting on what kind of foods they are going to supply. You are supporting whatever industry and company you are buying from. You are voting for local foods or ones that have traveled across the country. You are voting for or against pesticide use. You are voting for certain foods over others. Whatever you vote for increases the demand for those foods.

If you buy more organic, there will be more of a demand for it. Even walmart, which has such a bad rap for being such a big corporation, is seriously only trying to please the customers. They are voting for all the items they sell. If everyone started buying all organic at walmart, there will be a bigger demand for it and then it will eventually get cheaper.

Meat wasn't always as cheap as it is now! It was a process and it all started from the consumer's vote. The vote of buying a product.

We are very very powerful people. We control what stores supply. Go get the word out. Go buy the best organic fruit you can find. You're vote counts!!!


Here is the trailer for the movie. Check it out: http://yalesustainabilityleaders.files.wordpress.com/2009/04/food-inc-poster.jpg

epic day!!! missed our flight... hung out in seattle

Thursday morning we woke up early and it was SUNNY AND DRY! so we decided to get on our projects one last time before we left. So tim DID HIS CLIMB first go of the day!!! Then we went to my climb and i got CLOSER THAN EVER! But it was still a little damp. So we hit the road and the story begins:

First off, the gas station signs in canada bring you like 10 miles away from the exit for a gas station! Its happened to us twice on this trip... but it was wasting time we didnt have! After we FINALLY found gas, we were in a rush...

AND THEN there was an HOUR DELAY at the border.... Then they saw that we had fruit in my car (which by the way, i had just spent my LAST DOLLAR on this fruit. I have ZERO dollars.) Anyways, they held us up and made us go inside the office and wait... then they searched our car, told us that they could have fined us 300 dollars because we didnt declare EVERY single kind of fruit. (I seriously forgot about a few). They took my fruit and we were on our way. At this point our rental car was so late that they just charged us for another day (80 bucks).... and after a while we realized we werent going to make our flight.

We were in the car trying to figure out our financial plan. I had no money and the new tickets we were going to have to pay along with the hotel were going to rack up to about 600 dollars. Money neither of us had... Pretty stressful...

I went in the airport to ask how much a new ticket would cost. The guy was really nice. I worked my magic (apparently im good at talking to people) and he simply MOVED OUR FLIGHT TO THE NEXT DAY FOR FREE!!! We are on standby for a morning flight... but man, it felt like a huge weight lifted off my shoulders when he did that for us! He said it would have been 400 dollars for the both of us... so I just saved us 400 dollars! ANDDD we wanted to see seattle on our way up but didnt have time. But now with the rental car, we had the whole day to check it out!!! It worked out PERFECTLY.

The next day we were on standby for 3 or 4 flights... not sure which one we were going to catch. But eventually we got here after numerous stops, long periods of time talking to customer service, and hanging out in different airports across the country...

Here are the wrap-up pics from our trip:

my version of chips and guacamole: celery and avocado



tim crushing Action Man, v8



magical forest of squamish (even better in person):



tim and i on his birthday! sitting on a boulder, watching the sunset


the morning that we left, tim sent his proj, Worm World Cave, v9. SO SICK.


the morning that we left, i got HIGH POINT on my project, immunity challenge. It was wet. I am obsessed with it.


hanging out in seattle

Rain Rain go away!

Today is our last day in Squamish.

It's still wet and rainy.

MEHHH..... we have projects to send!




The Chief is literally covered in rainy clouds

a few more pictures....

Here are some pics from a few days ago that i never uploaded:


a cool v6 in squamish... hardest send on the trip for me:


The hardest v4 on the planet... called "easy in an easy chair" ...even the guidebook says "theres nothing easy about this problem!"


Tim working his project, Worm World Cave. He's so close!


eating papaya in the "yellow submarine"

update: captions added to pictures!

Just so you know, I went back and put captions on top of all the pictures I uploaded from my trip. Check it out again if you wanted to know what the picture was all about!!! Here are the links:

The end of CA and the beginning of Squamish

First couple days in Squamish

I hope you enjoy the pictures!!!

rainy day = rest day

It's rainy here.
Climbing is on hold.
There is a climb I want to do.
I am one move away from sending it.
I am bummed that it is raining.
But I can't complain.
It is beautiful here.
Rest days make me strong.

but

I have an obsession.
A piece of rock that has taken over my thoughts.
It has totally consumed my mind.

One move away from the pride.
One move away from the extreme happiness.
...From the feeling of accomplishment. The pure giddiness. The HIGH.
This is the reason I climb.

I look up at the large windows in the front of the cafe. The dense clouds cover the mountains like a blanket.
The raindrops fall from the sky.
Will it go away?
Will I be able to touch that magical rock again?
Will it be another year before I can connect with this beautiful line?

I rehearse the moves over and over in my head.
My hands are sweating.
My mind is racing.
My body craves those particular moves.
On that particular rock.
It's an obsession I can not deny.

I snap into reality.
It's beautiful here.
Rain or shine.
Climbing or not.
I am HERE... exisiting in this moment.
and it is magnificent.
I wouldn't rather be anywhere else.

And even though I can't climb right now,
I am thankful.
I am thankful for being alive.
I am thankful for tim.
I am thankful for my family and friends.
I am thankful for the mountains and the trees.
I am here in this beautiful world and i EXIST!

Rest day

Yesterday ended up being a rest day.

I didn't even know that it was 4th of July until I saw everyone's posts on facebook!!! It's a whole different world being on the road... I never know what day it is, what time it is, or anything of the likes. I wake up and go to sleep with the sun.

After we did our usual morning grocery shopping routine, we spent time at the cafe to get internet. Then we went to the SMALL farmers market and got some fresh organic cherries and strawberries that were picked the day prior. They were soooo good! Then we went into vancouver to do some more food shopping. We returned to Squamish after stopping by a crystal shop to look at the magical rocks. Then we walked in the forests to scope out new boulders to climb for today. I did a good stretching / yoga session later on. It was a really nice day.

Tim and I both felt a strong need to hang prayer flags in the meadow by our tent. So we found some at a local store and fulfilled our desire. Check out the pics:






One of the many views:




On a side note, I don't remember when i last took a shower..... oh, life as a traveling dirtbag climber!!! ;D

On another side note, I am reading a book called Radical Simplicity by Dan Price. It is making me rethink my whole life. I will have to expand on my ideas later on... it makes me want to give away everything i own and live out of my backpack on the road.... we'll see what happens as my life goes on. =)

First couple days in SQUAMISH

The first couple days here have been fantastic.

Squamish is magical. The forests are dense and the air is clean. It is not too hot and not too cold. Large trees surround us with large roots emerging everywhere, twisting and turning into the dirt path. The boulders are made of sticky granite, full of crystals of all sizes. There are people from all over the world here, uniting in these woods to share a common interest. The vibes here are good... really good. I like this place. I like it a lot.

Here are a few pics from the past couple days:

Up from the depths, v5. 2nd go.


Swank Stretch, v5. flash.


EPIC drop knee on Pulling Teeth, a hard v4


Can you find our tent?!


flowers near our tent


stretching before our day of climbing


DRAGON FRUIT!


Trad Killers, a hard v4


The Chief